Conflict
Matthew 18:15-20
Jesus has some good advice for us to think about when it comes to conflict in the gospel of Matthew. And don't we need that advice? Looking around, I see that the vast majority of us are truly awful at "doing" conflict well. We treat one another terribly in online forums, our politics are bonkers and states(wo)manship seems to be going extinct, we confront insignificant things and never talk about important things...
We really need conflict. Good conflict that is handled well is actually a sign of health in a church! And being unafraid of conflict with someone you love demonstrates that both parties in the conflict believe their relationship is stronger than any given disagreement they might be having.
So what on earth is going on? Because as I can see it, we either engage in conflict in such a way that it becomes incredibly toxic, or we avoid conflict like the plague, and the tension becomes toxic within us.
Psychologist Dr. Murray Bowen developed a "family systems" theory that might help us get at this. And one primary thing about this theory is that families (and churches, later Bowen family systems theorists like Edwin Friedman would claim) operate as a single emotional unit.
We are all connected. This is why we have conflict. And being connected to one another, we can learn about why we behave or feel the way we do based on our family connections. Friedman goes further to talk about the impact of anxiety on a family system like a church.
All of this scholarly talk brings me to my main point: we need good conflict. And we need it because we need to process our anxiety. Because if we in our relationships and organizations and families don't process our anxiety, it becomes chronic and persists even through generations.
And then chronic anxiety surfaces in ways that surprise us. Disagreements over worship style turn into shouting and cussing matches in the parking lot. Genuine mistakes are perceived as intended slights. Things get nasty. People get hurt.
Which all sounds like the kind of conflict we see in churches ALL THE TIME! If there is any organization that is terrible at making adequate space for good conflict, it’s churches (a close second maybe to political parties). We avoid conflict so that things don't get awkward, right? We avoid conflict because everyone is just trying to come to church on Sunday for a moment with God. We eschew conflict because we are taught that fighting is bad and that "blessed are the peacemakers!"
But sometimes we have to pass through conflict to make peace. And that is the guidance Jesus offers to his disciples in Matthew 18. He offers this advice in helpful steps:
If someone sins against you, point out the fault when the two of you are alone.
If that doesn’t work, bring a friend or two as witnesses who can also share in the conversation.
If that doesn’t work, tell the church (or community) and see if a solution can be found for the benefit of the community.
If that doesn’t work, then its time to part ways. But not in hatred.
Forgive. Forgive every time.
So much of our conflict has become toxic or it is avoided-like-the-plague because we get the very first piece of advice Jesus offers wrong. Instead of speaking directly to the person who bothers us, we find a safer and more convenient place to put our anxiety. We triangulate our spouse or our friend (or our pastor!) into the conflict. We spread our anxiety EVERYWHERE except where it should go. And now the system is dealing with misplaced anxiety.
What if we could, with love, speak directly to a person whom we need to confront because they have "sinned against us?" Perhaps they hurt our feelings by saying something rash. Or perhaps they aren’t where we are on a given theological argument. Or perhaps they sing the hymns too loudly for our taste. Or perhaps they always grab the last donut on sunday morning before we could get to it. Whatever it is, I hope you will consider Jesus' advice here and NOT to skip step one!
This gets at the difference between conflict resolution and conflict transformation. There are always practical things to resolve in conflict, but when we get at how we have hurt one another and when we don't avoid the emotional stakes of a conflict, we can transform even painful conflict into an opportunity for healing and true relationship.
Let's talk to one another. Let's not avoid the hard conversations with our neighbor and our family. This is how we can achieve real reconciliation and make more peace in this world!
